How to Be Encouraging

There are lots of times in our lives when we’re going to feel discouraged and, as the prefix indicates, to have moments where we literally feel separated from our courage.

When this happens to us or to the people we love, what do we do? How do we effectively help and encourage when we or others need it the most?

This week I received an audio message from my son that was so encouraging that it made me wonder what characteristics made it so effective. I think it perfectly exemplified how we can offer encouragement to ourselves or others without being dismissive of the pain and the very real human experience of discouragement.

Join me this week on the podcast and learn the five elements that are necessary for effective encouragement so that you can help and lift and encourage yourself or others when things are hard.

Transcript 

Welcome to the 100% Awesome Podcast with April Price. You might not know it, but every result in your life is 100% because of the thought you think. And that, my friends, is 100% awesome.

Hello Podcast Universe! Welcome to episode 232 of the 100% Awesome Podcast. I'm April Price and I just want to welcome you to the podcast, how are you? I'm recording today, it is the very beginning of October, which means it's the beginning of the last quarter of the year. And I'm wondering how you are feeling about that. I think like this is a really easy place to get discouraged, right, And to give up because there's more behind us, really, than in front of us when we're just thinking in terms of a year.

And our brain has usually judged what is behind us as mostly a failure. And then we start to feel like, well, what's in front of us is like so small, Like, what's even the point, right? Our brain tells us that we're out of time now. We might as well give up and just give it another go next year. Right? And like I myself, I'll just be honest with you, I have felt really discouraged lately. And so I have been thinking a lot about that word, discouraged. And of course, the prefix dis comes from Latin where it has the literal meaning of a part. And so it, it means like opposed to or removed or reverse or not, right when it's in front of that word, courage. And really, when you think about that word discouraged, it really just means that we have been removed or reversed from our courage. And I think if the prefix dis means a part right, it kind of like indicates that we have been separated from our courage. We are apart from our courage. And this is really where I have been emotionally lately, right where my brain has been anyway.

My brain has been separating me from my courage and keeping me apart from my courage. And then this weekend, my son Caleb came up to visit for a couple of days and we had a bunch of really nice conversations, but particularly at the end, we had a really nice talk where I was able to just kind of open up about how I was feeling and where I was and what was going on for me and the way that he listened to me and responded to me and to the things that I was feeling was just the antidote I needed, just the encouragement I needed. And I want to point out that word encourage, right. And that prefix n which really means to put into or onto, to cover with, to go into or onto to provide with. And so I just love the thought of that, especially the part to cover with right to cover with courage. And that thought just like in and of itself is so sweet and so tender to me. And that's how it felt having this conversation with my son. I just felt, you know, sort of bolstered and covered again, realigned and reconnected with my courage.

And the next morning, in fact, I was texting back and forth with him and he ended up sending me an audio message. And I actually wanted to play that audio message for you because I think it contains all of the elements that are really needed to encourage and to cover us with courage. And I was just thinking that if you are wanting to encourage people in your life, the people that you love, or if you are wanting to encourage yourself, if you are having a moment of discourage where you have been separated from your courage and you would like to be covered again with courage, then I think this little voice message that Caleb left me really has all of the elements that create that kind of beautiful encouragement that we all stand in need of from time to time.

And so I'm just going to play it for you. I've edited out a few of the most personal parts, but I just wanted to play it for you and just point out a few things that I want to be sure that you notice so that you can cover yourself or the people that you love, the people in your life with courage. And so I'm going to play that and then kind of take it apart for you.

"Yeah, of course. You're welcome to talk. I just really want to validate you in your space. It's hard. Not easy. And I think to myself for a little bit, but in resisting it, it's not going to need to be better. So easy to say that, and we're figuring out whatever that's running looks like whatever's next. So, that's just the next part of the movie in the film. So, we're just going to be in it and that's okay. Like Love You look up to you a lot. I would be here for you in more ways than one. So it's just always remembering that at your core how many people you've changed and helped and touched on all of us. Anyway, I love you a lot. Have an amazing week. Keep rocking. And yes, that's right. I love that. I love that one! Bye!"

Okay, so I hope you can appreciate just how sweet and how tender that message was. And like, obviously I feel really lucky to have Caleb in my life. And I want to point out the five things that I see in this message that I think made such a difference when I heard it for me, because I think it will help you as you try to encourage yourself or others and help you reconnect with your courage and remember like these five things, like, again, you can use these when you're talking and interacting with other people and you can use them on yourself.

Like if you don't have somebody in your life who's encouraging you, then like, you've got to do this work yourself, right? And so, everything I say that applies to the way that you interact with others is really just the same when it comes to encouraging ourselves. Okay, so the five things that I noticed in this message are listen, validate, believe, express love. Remind them who they are, okay? So we're going to go through all five of these things and they were all present here in this message.

Okay, so first, listen. This, of course, is just one of the most underrated and undervalued simple things that we can do to reconnect people with their courage. Just listen, we have become separated from our courage because of the thoughts in our head, right? Like those thoughts have separated us from the feeling of courage in our lives. And it just helps so much to get those thoughts out, to say them out loud, to get them out of your head and into the ether. And it is such a relief to literally move them from inside your head, out into the space outside of you. So just listen. Like if you only did that one thing, that would be a powerful way to encourage people. Believe it or not, it's just such a gift to listen. Don't be scared to hear anything. You can hold space for any thoughts that need to be said. They are just thoughts and is such a gift to be able to get them out of our head and get some distance from them.

And as I sat on the porch with my son in the twilight as dusk was coming on, we just sat there and as I was able to just say the things that were like feeling so heavy and discouraging in my life, like it just felt like it wasn't so scary. The demons weren't so powerful, my doubts weren't so heavy. Like it wasn't as bad as my brain was making it feel just to be able to say it. And again, if you don't have somebody to talk to about this, you need to have a space where you can say them out loud to yourself. And this is where a thought download can be so powerful you just get out a piece of paper or turn on your voice memo and talk and write and just get the thoughts that are in your head, out on paper and get some space from them. All right, so it can be like your own ears or somebody else's or can just be the piece of paper in front of you. But it's so important that your thoughts get some space outside of you.

Okay, the next thing that I hope you heard in this message was validation. Both like there on the patio as I was talking, and in this message, Caleb validated what I was feeling. He said like, yes, it is hard. It is not easy. I hear you. I understand you and your feelings are valid. Like that's where you are. This is where you are right now. And it's okay. What you are feeling is real. It's not wrong. It belongs here and it doesn't have to change. Like that's really what it means to validate what you're having. What you're experiencing is real. It's not wrong. It belongs. And we don't have to change it. We don't have to fix it. There's nothing here to solve. And I think it's really easy when the people we love or even when we ourselves are hurting to just like, want to get right to the feeling better part, right? Like we just want to, like, have us get to the happy part. And it's just so interesting that to be actually reconnected to your courage, you don't have to feel better, right? Courage doesn't exist in the absence of pain.

Courage is moving forward in the face of pain or fear, right? Like courage just means I feel bad and I move forward. So, remember that, that when we're encouraging somebody else, we don't have to get rid of the negative emotion. The other person doesn't have to feel better. And really, if I'm going to be encouraged, what I need is my pain to be acknowledged and validated and like even endorsed. Right. So that I can just hold my pain instead of resisting it, instead of like thinking it's wrong or wanting to change it, I can just hold it and then move forward. When we with good intention, try to make people feel better. It's just a form of resistance, right? We're wanting the pain to go away and for them to feel better and it doesn't need to. And in fact, a really important piece of reconnecting ourselves with courage is letting the negative emotion exist as we move forward.

Okay, all right third is to believe, to believe in them, to believe in yourself, to believe that this isn't the end of the story. To believe in their talents and their gifts, to believe in their goodness and believe in their eventual ability to overcome and triumph. To believe in the end of their story and the end of their movie. Like even though I was discouraged and not believing in my abilities, Caleb never doubted them. And notice how he could believe in me and validate my feelings like he knows my feelings are real and valid and belong and he still believes in me and my abilities. And I was so grateful for that, right? Because discouragement can lead us to doubt ourselves and to doubt our abilities and what Caleb really said to me was like, I validate your feelings and I haven't stopped believing in you, right? Like, these are two different skills and they are not antithetical to each other. And this is like, really the important part. He didn't need me to believe in me. He didn't need me to agree with his belief. He didn't need to convince me, right?

He just held like in the same space. I know you're feeling bad, but also I'm never going to stop believing in you like that was such a gift. All right? So believe in them without needing them to believe in themselves, right? Like you don't have to change their mind about. About their personal and particular belief in themselves. That is such a gift to know that even when I'm doubting, there's someone out there who believes in me and when I'm not sure I know that they are. And like, if I could just put in a plug for coaching here, that's the other great gift that comes with coaching, you know, that that I receive from my coaches that like when my doubts are raging and my brain is just pointing out how I can't have what I want, like my coach is never doubt. They always just believe in me. And that is just such a wonderful gift.

Okay, fourth, the fourth thing that I'm sure you heard Caleb do in this message was expressed love. There were a few times where he said it right. And he also told me that on the patio and the expression of love just goes so far. I love that quote by Timothy Keller that says to be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us. And that's really what is happening when we are encouraging someone, we've listened and so we know them. We know where they're at, they are known to us and we love them anyway, wherever they're at in that place, right in their discouraged place. After you have listened to who they are and where they're at and what their brain is telling them, you know them.

And now to show that you also love them is the greatest gift we can give someone else. Like what that means is I don't need you to be different for me to love you. I know you and I love you right now as you are. And that kind of love connects us back to our courage. And that's why loving yourself in these moments of discouragement is so important as well. You know yourself better than anyone, right? And if you know yourself and don't love yourself, that's your that's what creates our greatest fear. Like, you know yourself better than anybody. And there's a place there knowing yourself to truly love yourself, right? And that will liberate you, that will fortify you against any difficulty. Okay, finally, the last thing is just always when you are encouraging, take the opportunity to remind them of who they are.

Because I don't know if there is anything that is harder to remember, particularly when we have been separated from our courage, right? When we are separated from our courage, we can't remember who we are or what we're doing or what we're worth. Like just like it all feels so foreign or lost, right? Or confusing. And we need to be reminded. Caleb reminded me of who I am, of who I have been to him and who I've been to others. And maybe when you are encouraging others, it feels like it should be obvious to the other person how awesome they are and what they mean to you. But it is not obvious when we are discouraged, right. And I don't think even if you're not discouraged, I just don't think people can hear it enough. We cannot have enough reminders about who we are and what we mean to someone else.

Okay, so I know that like the poetry is starting to become a problem on this podcast, right? Like you're just like, can we tone it down on the poetry? But I have one more poem for you this week, and it is a poem that I have loved for a long time by David Gait, and it's called Like Every Selfie. And I just love what it says here that like, we cannot have enough reminders about who we are and what we mean to other people. And his the poem goes like this. He says, Be kind about the names your friends give to their children, praise their haircuts, love their tattoos. It doesn't really matter if that's what you would do. Like every selfie, all of them clap their songs, cheer them on. You were born with a limitless supply of encouragements. Use every one of them. Don't wait for the eulogies to speak out loud that your friends are precious and they make you feel proud. I just like. Oh my gosh, I love that so much. This line. You were born with a limitless supply of encouragements. Use every one of them. Like, this is who I want to be. With everyone in my life, the people that you love, if they are discouraged, if they have become separated from their courage, it is because ultimately they have forgotten who they are. They have forgotten that they matter. And this it's just so easy to forget that here on Earth it's like almost inevitable for all of us to have moments where we have forgotten.

Like, that's what it means to be human, to be separated from that knowledge and to forget from time to time who we are and and why we matter, right? We all are going to have moments where we forget. And it is the thing that makes being a human the hardest. I think that it is so easy to forget. So, you were born with a limitless supply of encouragements. Don't be stingy with them. Don't save them up right. Use every one of them. And don't wait for the eulogies. We cannot be reminded enough.

You can't remind yourself enough of who you are and you can't remind others. So don't wait. Don't hold on to them. Today is the day to be encouraging. Okay. Now I just want to offer a word of caution not to use any of what I said against yourself or the people in your life who might try to encourage you and might, quote unquote, get it wrong. Right? Like I'm just offering this list to you for a way for you to enhance your ability to encourage others and to just like, give you some insight and understanding and help as you find yourself or others separated from courage, right? And you don't have to do it all perfectly. Please remember that you don't have to remember all five things and do them in that exact order. Like even if you just get 1 or 2, it's going to help you or somebody else. Even if you just listen or you just validate or you just love it is going to make a difference. And if you can string a couple of them together, it's going to be even better. And like your brain might now say, now that, you know, these helpful things, that there's just like one right way to do it.

And that is not true. And if you think there's just one right way and I'm going to get this wrong, then it's going to make you scared and and not help at all and not encourage at all. So just like don't let your brain do that. You cannot do it wrong. Be as encouraging as you can and know that it is enough. I also just want to offer one other caution. Just like your brain might make you wrong as you go to encourage others, it might want to judge and make other people wrong for the way that they encourage you.

Like your brain might want you to take this list and then dissect the way that your husband or your friend or your mom gets it wrong and doesn't encourage you in the way that you need or in the right way. Like don't do that, right? Don't use this knowledge against yourself or somebody else. Just use it as a way to improve the way that you encourage, the way that you encourage yourself and the way that you encourage the people that you love in your life. All right. So Caleb is really good at it because he is a coach and we are trained as coaches to be able to listen and hold space and reserve judgment and really acknowledge the rightness of all our feelings.

And as coaches, we can see the difference between our clients and their thoughts and feelings and actions and results. And we can see those as very distinctly different things. That's not always easy when we're encouraging the people in our lives that we live with all the time. Right? And as coaches, we know that like none of the things that we think or feel or do or create are who we are. And we're able to remind our clients of who they really are and see themselves with more compassion. And we do all that work with love like that is our work as coaches. That's what makes coaching so powerful and so wonderful and why I think everybody should have a coach right. We are separated from our courage by our thoughts every time we are separated because of our thoughts. And so it is so good to have a place where you can always go to be reconnected to that courage. Recover your courage so that you can do all the things that you want in your life. So, if you want a place like that, I want to invite you to coach with me.

As always, you can try that. You can try it out for yourself by signing up for a free coaching call on my website. I know a lot of you who have never been coached. You don't know the difference that it will make, and so you can just try that out and and see what it's like to work with me. Coaching is by far the best investment I ever made in myself. It changed my life and as you can see, it changed my family's life as well. It's the reason that I have the relationship I do with Caleb and the rest of my children.
It wasn't always this way. We couldn't always be this open and loving and vulnerable and encouraging with each other. And like, I want to point out that it wasn't because they all changed. It was because I changed. I changed how I thought about them. I changed how I thought about me. I changed how I thought about my life and my choices. And that in turn, changed every one of my relationships. And for that, I will always be so, so grateful. I can't imagine my life without knowing what I know now.

So, for what it's worth, I want to encourage you to try coaching for yourself. Okay, my friends, that's what I have for you today. Remember that if you or someone you love has been separated from your courage and you're feeling discouraged, it is because of your thoughts. And that doesn't mean it's not real, but it does mean that listening and validating and believing and loving and reminding them or reminding yourself of who you are will make all the difference. Cover yourselves and others with courage. This is such sacred work and it is work worth doing. And that, my friends, is 100%. Awesome. I love you for listening and I'll see you next week.

Thanks so much for joining me on the podcast today. If you're serious about changing your life, you first have to change your mind. And the best way to do that is through coaching. I work with my clients one on one to help them change their thoughts and their feelings about themselves, their lives and their challenges so that they can live a life they love. If you'd like to work with me one on one, you can learn more and schedule a free call to try coaching for yourself at Aprilpricecoaching.com